Lockheart Love ♡

Hello hello! It's been a bit, for a plethora of reasons (family stuff, job searching, etc), but I wanted to pop back in to talk about something that's been on my mind recently!

I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos about skateboarding recently, but rather than how-tos, they're vlogs of friends just existing and skating together. I can't pin down why, exactly, but they struck a chord. To be fair, I haven't had any IRL friends since my best friend moved away a couple years ago, and while we're closer than ever, I haven't had anyone to actually hang out with. It's most certainly for lack of trying though, as I actively avoid most socialization opportunities and tend to stay to myself when in public. Watching those videos though, seeing how these people just hang out together and have fun, it's been getting to me.

For reasons both related to that and not, I've started skateboarding again. I've had a skateboard for years now, but always sucked at the activity. Now, I'm trying again. I can't do it every day, unfortunately, as responsibilities and summer heat (never under 104°F after noon) make it a bit difficult right now, but I'm still trying. I've also been just messing around with the board in my room to get more comfortable with it, since I was always intimidated by my board before - not trusting it to carry my weight even though I'm far below the weight limit, expecting it to slip out from under me unprompted, things like that. I've picked a decently cool day (100°F high) to go out and practice, since I'm actually aiming to learn the basics this time instead of jumping straight into tricks.

Skating's fun, and I want to do it more, both because of those videos and for myself. Oddly enough though, those videos prompted a few other changes, or at least the desire for them. For one thing, I went from occasionally clicking thorugh the emails linkedin sends me to actually looking for a job, working on my resume, and trying to figure out the best way to commute to a nearby store that's actively hiring. A lack of a driver's license definitely complicates things, but I genuinely want a job now, and I'm willing to put in effort to get one. Before, I was mostly looking out of obligation, but now I WANT to. It's admittedly annoying, but I'm doing it anyway.

Another thing is that I also am a lot more into alternative clothing now??? Or at least, conceptually, I am. I don't have much, but I DID clean my room and go through a lot of my old stuff to clear out what I know I'll never wear again. I also finally figured out that the aesthetic I've always been grasping at but never knew how to grab onto is apparently just a weird combination of midwest emo and grunge. Like, alt as a whole, but pretty much just those two. Again, I say this in an aesthetic-y way, not in reference to the subculture or music. I will say though, I grabbed a random midwest emo playlist and decided to listen through it, and I found some stuff I like! Anyway, I looked through pinterest for ideas and found that a lot of it looked decently comfortable, but since I don't exactly feel like getting new clothes, I focused on accessories. I made a chain wallet with soda tabs and felt like the coolest person ever, so there's something fun!

On top of all of that, I've had the recent inclination to do things that feel "rebellious" to me, even though the bar is INSANELY low for that. Like, asking my mom if I can go out in the morning, getting permission, and going out in the morning? Feels rebellious to me, since I never go anywhere. Like, I guess the fact that I snuck out the back door makes it a LITTLE more excusable, but still. I was thinking up what I should do next, and went "HAH, I could go to the 7-11 down the street! and get COOKIES!!" like that's some crazy act of rebellion against my parents, who I would 100% share the cookies with. The worst part of all of that is that I'm literally 18, so I don't even have to ask permission to do that stuff. It's not rebellious, it's just Doing Things. I'm so chronically inside that it feels like I'd be doing something edgy and cool if I went to my local park to sit in the sunlight for a bit. Still though, the fact that these things feel exciting to me is also making me want to DO them, which I absolutely intend to.

That's sort of the point of all of it really. Wanting friends, wanting to skateboard, wanting a job, wanting to go places, it's all exciting because despite the fact that I'm technically only 18, I spend so much of my life locked in on school and college that I didn't really have the time to do teenager-y stuff. The most teenager-y thing I did prior was probably make this website, and it only got to a publishable state because of a school assignment! I'm not here saying "I'm so old, I wanna be a kid again", I'm saying "I want to do things that I want to do because who's gonna stop me?" and that's what feels fun to me. I cleaned my room unprompted because the mood struck me. I threw stickers on my skateboard because I wanted to. I'm getting up early just to go outside, with no reason to do so. I'm looking for a job much more urgently even though the outside demand for me to get one hasn't changed. It's hard to explain, but it's like a handful of videos of people being people has made me want to be a person??? I don't know how to phrase it, but that's just how it feels to me.

This was a bit of an update and a bit of a vent, but I'm glad to be back on this website again. I haven't made any super notable changes recently, but I figured dropping in to say hi couldn't hurt. I'll see if I can make some more fun stuff, maybe a shrine about skateboarding, if I get to a point where I know enough to do so. Anyways, thanks for sticking around, and thanks for reading! ♡