Lockheart Love ♡

Hello hello! I know that title is kind of odd, especially for me, but I'll try to make it make sense! That said, quick warning: this post is very long, and discusses religion and spirituality. While I feel like one could figure that out from the title, it still feels worth pointing out. Please don't read this if you don't want to see anything related to that! Also, this is my personal story/journey with all this stuff, and doesn't reflect anyone else's experiences but my own.

First off, obviously religion is a thing that exists, it's a very important thing to the vast majority of people, including some of my closest friends. The reason I phrased the title in that way is because for me, it was just... Never really been a factor? Or, at least, I didn't think it was, and I didn't have any solid basis within it. I grew up in a non-practicing Christian family. I watched Veggie Tales as a kid, and I went to church if I slept over at my friend's house on a Saturday night, but that was about it. Religion wasn't something I really thought of often, and when I did, I usually thought of how bad people would use it as an excuse to do bad things, so I never really vibed with it. It got to a point where I struggled to believe in anything I couldn't see, including literal emotions. I generally considered myself an athiest (though I rarely used that term) until 2020.

In 2020, I was VERY chronically online, but so was everyone else. Through that, I found my way over to Witchtok, and found the idea of witchcraft genuinely intriguing. I researched and looked for information (actually reading books and asking more experienced people, not JUST watching tiktoks), and really enjoyed doing so. I ended up getting pretty fixated on it; it made my brain happy to think about, and that was enough for me to give believing in something a shot. A few surprisingly sucessful spell jars later, and I decided it was time to move onto the big leagues: deity worship.

I wasn't so arrogant as to try deity work, but I figured worship could be worth a shot - I was choosing to believe in magic for the time being, so why not? Somehow, it felt less difficult to convince myself that multiple gods existed than it was to convince myself there was only one, and I had loved learning about Greek mythology in school, so I gave it a try. I cleared a space on my bookshelf and made a small altar to Poseidon. My offerings were small and informal, because I was hiding this from my parents and also had NO idea what I was doing. You see, I knew a decent amount about witchcraft, but knew nothing about deity worship. I watched a few vague YouTube videos and left it at that. I distinctly recall ending any prayers/odd yappings with "thank you for being here and thank you for caring", as I didn't really know what else to say. I felt awkward and nervous most of the time, and the one singular time I felt a real pull to do something specific, it scared me so bad that I almost had an anxiety attack. I was constantly afraid I was doing something wrong, and while I felt immense joy when I knew something had gone right, it wasn't a particularly healthy balance.

Despite still having no clue what I was doing, and the long-term athiest in the back of my brain screaming that I was losing my mind, I somehow thought this was great, and decided I wanted more. I ended up with a total of three altars, to Poseidon, Aphrodite, and Apollo in particular. Generally speaking, it wasn't a bad experience, just one that I wasn't ready for. I kept thinking I was going crazy, and I was constantly afraid of making mistakes. I also felt immense guilt for the fact that I couldn't have particularly large/pretty altars, and hated that I couldn't offer much more than a small container of honey, or a piece of jewelry that I'd already had for years.

In hindsight, it's clear that despite not considering myself Christian, some of the fears and mentalities from that belief system had made their way into my head. Honestly, I wasn't in the right headspace for any of it. It made me happy, sure, but also insanely stressed. Compiled with being a teenager mid- and post-pandemic, it just wasn't the right time. It took a while to realize how unprepared I was, but in 2022, I said a VERY nervous goodbye. Even then, I was terrified of messing it up. I was stumbling over myself to apologize for not being able to handle it, and I was so careful while taking down the altars. I even wrote a little song in thanks to Apollo, saying goodbye for the time being; it was sincere, but laced with concern that something would happen if I didn't. It's kind of sad, thinking about how scared I was.

I spent a while choosing not to believe in anything again, which didn't feel as comforting as before, because I'd felt that there was something else, even if I thought I was insane for feeling it. It was short-lived, but I was too scared to jump straight back in to what I'd left. In a move that felt both confusing and needed, I decided to try out pop culture worship. I'd gotten so used to the idea of worshipping something, but so scared of the idea of angering established deities, that I compromised and tried worshipping Venti from Genshin Impact. No, I'm not kidding, and frankly, I'm glad I'm not. As odd as it sounds, it gave me an opportunity to feel all the comfort and significantly less panic. My altar just looked like a collection of fandom merch, so it could be bigger and not hidden. I would literally just light a candle and play Genshin, and think of it as a devotional act. There was still the mild concern that I was losing it, but it was less intense when I wasn't actively in fear for my life - something I shouldn't have been to begin with, but alas.

Fast forward to this year, 2025, and I haven't been actively practicing pop culture worship recently. My Venti altar is still there, still looking like a merch collection, and I'm fine with it being there even though I've informally stepped away from pop culture worship. I actually took said step back a few months ago, and I've been chilling, intentionally alone and not thinking too hard about it. Up until a week ago, if someone asked my religion, I'd say something along the lines of "somewhere between agnostic and omnist," which is a vague answer at best. Essentially, somewhere between "there's probably something but I don't know" and "there's literally everything".

So, what happened a week ago?

A week ago, I found EPIC: The Musical and liked it so much that it re-sparked my interest in the Greek pantheon. Obviously, I know there's a huge difference between the fictional interpretations and the actual deities, but interest was sparked, nonetheless. Still, I remembered how poorly I handled things last time, and wanted to take a better look at things before I started setting up altars and such. This time, rather than looking at worship within witchcraft as a whole and feeling overwhelmed by it, I'm focusing specifically on Hellenic polytheism. I've been doing more research, looking into other peoples' experiences, and looking into some things that have had a huge impact on how I see this stuff in general.

Learning not to take the myths literally (another Christian thing I had to unlearn without ever learning it to begin with) has taken away so much of the fear behind all this. Learning about the different domains of different gods has been very interesting, and pointed me in a notably different direction than the last time I attempted this. (While I'd like to retry worshipping Apollo, I'm also interested in Hermes and Hephaestus, but I'm taking care to do more research, and do things at a more relaxed pace this time so I don't get overwhelmed.) I'm focusing less on viewing everything as a sign, as that was extremely anxiety-inducing and did nothing positive for me. I've also been reading a lot of peoples' personal experiences, and found that it's kind of hard to be as horrifically offensive as I constantly thought I was, by accident. Mental health, safety, and financial circumstances having an impact on worship is not going to anger the gods, apparently? And neither is leaving if you need to?? Which sounds obvious in hindsight, but it was genuinely a bit confusing when I first read it.

As of now, I'm still very much in a researching phase, with the occasional "this is for Apollo" while taking my meds. I'm going for subtle but sustainable, and the way I feel about this is genuinely so different than before. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind, because I'm not doing anything that would make me feel that way - I'm not trying and failing to throw together tarot readings (although I'd like to learn to do that properly as well), I'm not panicking over if I'm holding a pendulum wrong, I'm just... Learning. Asking questions. Noticing things that have been there for longer than I thought, and not being afraid. Actually taking comfort in the general idea of the gods being there, and not fearing the consequences of being human. Being thankful to them for little things and feeling good about it.

That, right there. That is what I meant by the title. Religion is a thing that exists, actually. People weren't lying to me my whole life when they said faith can feel good. They weren't lying when they said believing in something can be comforting. Even typing this feels odd, because I've spent my whole life feeling off-put by words like "faith" and "belief", but now, it's more a matter of adjustment than true discomfort. I had to push through several layers of fear and bias, do more research than I ever did for school, and correct my spelling while googling things an absurd amount of times in order to get here. I'm still working on it as well, but the point is that it feels good. For once, it feels good, and I'm genuinely thankful for that.

This was a particularly long one, so if you made it to the end, I appreciate it! I don't fully know how much I'll be talking about this stuff on here, but it felt important enough to write down. Thanks for reading! ♡